Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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