I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
birth control should be required to get into college
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
