you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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