so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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