How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
