Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize