so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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