battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
