Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
