Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
