saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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