I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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