My underwear smells like fireworks.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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