You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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