I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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