Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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