Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
