I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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