I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
