My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
