I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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