awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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