The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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