STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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