At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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