just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Randomize
