Don't make out with my wife yet
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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