i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
