yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
