I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize