is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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