i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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