If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
