there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
