I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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