i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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