he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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