There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my shit smells like andre
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
