I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
