i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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