Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
