my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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