Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Randomize
