anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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