The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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