my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
