it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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