you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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