U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
