i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
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