did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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