So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
