You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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