Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
