woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize