she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
