That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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