I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she peed on how many people?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
