you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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